the reusable bag that holds all the other reusable bags is the queen bag

— Mary (@MaryNumair) January 5, 2020

You can't eat a brownie and then immediately brush your teeth and go to bed. Eating a nighttime brownie means you intend on getting wild

— Mary (@MaryNumair) June 10, 2017

The Boy Is Mine is a much more enjoyable song if you pretend it's about two women at a shelter trying to adopt the same dog.

— Mary (@MaryNumair) December 5, 2016

🎶SQUIRRELS
all I really want is
SQUIRRELS
And in the morning it's
SQUIRRELS
'Cause in the evening it's
SQUIRRELS🎶 pic.twitter.com/f2bMQT61zU

— Mary (@MaryNumair) May 3, 2017

Tough times don’t last, tough people do. When you’re going through hell, keep going. I think I ate a small rock when I was 6. No pressure, no diamonds. Speaking of diamonds, what if that rock is lodged in my brain. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger—unless it’s a brain rock

— Mary (@MaryNumair) March 28, 2019

I don’t do drugs anymore but sometimes I wake up disoriented from a nap and try to ride that out for as long as possible

— Mary (@MaryNumair) October 10, 2020

The BEST part of working in advertising is all the sick tag lines I get to write, like:

• this ain’t your mother’s candy

•this ain’t your mother’s high performance running shoe

•this ain’t your mother, this is actually your father whaaat omg what a twist wow, buy this soda

— Mary (@MaryNumair) October 6, 2018

hear me out: caffeinated soup

— Mary (@MaryNumair) January 25, 2021

Love the guy behind me who can’t remember the name of the show Friends and is desperately pleading to his group of friends, “you know the show with Chandler. The show with Chandler!” and they clearly do not know

— Mary (@MaryNumair) February 16, 2018

Kevin's Famous Chili

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　 　 {\__/}
　　 \(⊙.⊙)ノ
　　… (") (")…🥘…

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　　　　(◜•˳•)
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　　　　　　(ಥ ಥ)
　　　　　… 🥘∠\……

— Mary (@MaryNumair) March 28, 2019

The thing I miss the most about serving tables is when I’d say, “Can I get you folks anything else?” and the vaguely flirty but incredibly needy dad of the table would smirk, “Just the winning lottery numbers.” And then I’d reply “hehehe oh you” and die inside. All for a $6 tip

— Mary (@MaryNumair) September 9, 2019

My 16 year old is named Dexter and he was texting a bunch while ignoring me so i called him “Texter” and let me tell you about the world’s largest, most angsty sigh

— Mary (@MaryNumair) January 29, 2020

Michael Jortin’ pic.twitter.com/OP73IYKJg5

— Mary (@MaryNumair) May 22, 2019

Mario Kart players who are in 9th place that shoot Fireballs backwards: what is wrong with you? Show a little class solidarity.

— Mary (@MaryNumair) January 25, 2021

My nephew has a friend over and I made them dinner pic.twitter.com/KwdQ6ALdxW

— Mary (@MaryNumair) June 22, 2017

Guy Fieri’s wife goes by “Wife-ieri” for short

— Mary (@MaryNumair) December 14, 2017

If you walk into the bathroom at the same time someone is leaving it, make sure to tell them “good job in there.” It’s called being polite.

— Mary (@MaryNumair) August 3, 2018